(Disassociated Press, Commercial Town) The President of the Board of Trustees of Commercial University, in a press conference opened to twelve journalists, announced today the purchase of the university’s campus-wide food service by oil giant Oxxon. He also unveiled a plan by Oxxon to establish a new Department of Social Studies, known as the Carbon Emissions Department of Social Studies.

Commercial University, a leader in the development of the electronic toothpick, is committed to privatizing all its facilities,” Board of Trustees President Elliot Rosewater said today. He indicated that there were still pockets of university facilities that were not yet privatized, and thus not profitable. He mentioned the washrooms, stairs, elevators, classrooms, chalk boards, and, of course the worthless radio station, as examples.

We believe that only the profit motive can ensure the intellectual growth of our student population and stimulate the kind of research that has been a key to our work.”

The Third Vice-President for Human and Natural Resources Raymond Strangelove said that “American universities are falling behind universities around the world because we have falsely set as our goal providing well-rounded educations for our students and inspiring our faculty to pursue research to improve the human condition.” This, the Third Vice-President said, must stop. “Only calculations of personal gain will ever stimulate the kind of development of civilization we all seek.”

We at Commercial University are well-placed to promote the full development of markets in every nook and cranny of our campus.” If our society were not driven by profit, he said, “we would have to invent a substitute.” The promotion of self-actualization, a sense of community, promoting health and welfare for all, democracy, and altruism, he claimed, is no way to run a society.

Rosewater indicated that workers in the traditional sectors of the university that have not yet been privatized should not worry. Commercial University will take care of them.

In addition, Director of Curriculum Jason Rockefeller reported that the new Carbon Emissions Department of Social Studies will be headed by Carl Tucker, a noted expert on oil, gas, and society. Sub-fields in the new department will include those relating oil and gas to international relations, US politics, and comparative carbon studies. Chairman Tucker pointed out that all courses in the new department will be fair and balanced. “In this regard there is a desperate need for experts who celebrate the contributions carbon emissions to be heard.” He said that most comparable departments in universities around the country are too one-sided. “In the spirit of academic freedom all sides to questions of public policy must be given equal voice.” For example, he said, both sides of the the idea of starting wars to acquire natural resources should be studied, without prejudging conclusions.

Director of Curriculum Rockefeller proudly announced that the new department will receive $3 billion in startup money for teaching and research from the Oxxon Corporation. He stressed, however, that the money will not in any way influence the content of the curriculum.

Tucker said he hoped to work with colleagues from other departments, particularly in the STEM fields, to develop interdisciplinary work focused on oil, gas, and society.

After the press conference the 32 Commercial University Vice-Presidents assembled on a ZOOM meeting chanting: “Markets Up.”

Note: Any resemblance to local places and people is purely coincidental.

Sidney Glick

(Glick, a widely published journalist, has agreed to join the staff at Heartland Radical. His feature essays will appear from time to time).

February 16, 2022